First Love

Hector my bf, my fiance as of last month, Sonny's dad, is leaving tomorrow morning to play one show in Ohio. His band is hardly a big deal and they are getting paid in booze and drugs to play. Perfect. I told him not to go I begged him to think about his family first but he simply does not care. He feels that I'm trying to control his life. I guess he does not see the severity in having and raising a child, like you actually have to be there and do it. The day after Sonny was born he left to play a lame show somewhere in LA. New Years eve My 3 month old son and I found ourselves bringing in the New Year with of Hector. I will always remember that news yeas and look back and think that he did not care for us enough to spend it with us. Instead playing a show was more important a show that didn't make him any money, money that he desperately needed/needs.

Since the day he came home with me I've been trying to prove that I can do it all, I feel guilty when I need to ask my mom for help. I feel like the 16 yr old teen whose not mature enough to handle a baby. I hate that feeling. Even though I have Hector around I always feel like a nag, when I ask him to help me out with the baby. He is definitely although older then I, too young to be a father. Drinking and Rock N Roll are his priorities and I'm thinking how did I get stuck in this mess? I found a song he wrote on a napkin that was meant for his crappy band and it left me heartbroken for the last time. I could handle it when it was just me he was breaking but now I have to worry about this tiny little being. This cute little guy who deserves a good father a father that WANTS him. The song went on on about how I'm a bitch and his life's a drag and that I'm bragging about it oh and how apparently I'm a big loser for still hanging on to hope? And he just wanted to bone me and now he's stuck in this mess with me.
When we first met and I would think about having a baby with Hector, I thought he would be a wonderful dad. Something happened however in that period (almost a year) when we were apart. He became a person I do not know. Although we go through the motions and at times I still feel like it is love I feel too much has happened I know too much of what he did when we were apart and I don't ever see us being that couple everyone hates because they clearly are it for each other. Now I feel like they look at us and think they stayed together for the baby. And maybe that is true. When I told Hector I was going to keep the baby, I will always remember what he said. " I will have to be there for you now, you and this baby" At the time I had no idea if my baby was going to have a father or not and these words made me so happy. But now, I've had enough I feel as if I'm forcing him to stay and be here with us, and I don't want to do that. If he feels he would be happier elsewhere GO!!! Leave. And he does just that. I read blogs and message boards and books about these fan f'in tastic dads and I get so jealous. Like I should have gotten my child a better father I deserve a better husband someone who really cares and wants to be around me not someone that forced to stay and be true to his word. I go to work I go to school and still when I ask him to feed the baby when he wakes up at 4 in the morning he calls me lazy. When I mention to him that he needs to start putting his family first and not playing shows with his band so much he tells me I need to stick to my "promise" of losing my baby weight!!!!!! WTF seriously who is this asshole that has taken over the man I used to Love. It's too bad because the Hector I fell in LOVE with the Hector I will aways Love and remember as my first Love, that guy, that guy would have been an AMAZING FUCKING DAD.

baby keep your head up

The last post was a bit hasty I swear I do love her, I just really really can't stand living with her. She is a different complicated post that I don't care to get into right now. SO lately Me and Hec have been thinking of buying out the Koffee Pot in Long Beach CA and turn it into a little dive bar. It would be the perfect place for one as it would be part of the 4th st crawl. This however is going to take a ton of Planning not to mention CREAM $$$$$. We also might move into this very spacey 1 bdr soon I want it soo bad. School is done in May and  I haven't been getting much sleep  because of it. It's mostly because I think I can do 1051650 things in one day and that is uh impossible because of this I have been looney toons at work. Speaking of that wonderful place, a girl I haven't seen since High school came by my register and asked me how I was, I told her all about Sonny, and then feeling like she looked like she felt sorry for me I looked at her dead in the eye and said "he's the best thing I've ever done" BOOOYA DB I don't need your pity cause I know I'm behind this register and at this shitty, horrible, brain killing job, HOWEVER I still have hope and goals and determination and best of all my SON. Sonny You ARE the best thing I have ever done.

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The woman that made Me

I love my mom I got a tattoo for my mom but I can not stand the fucking woman

Quickie

Tuesdays are my most stressful days. Something about trying to get my homework in before 2 pm while bouncing my baby on my lap makes me freak out. But I'm doing it. I don't really care if it takes me 10 years I'm getting my degree. In other news I freaked out at work again and stared crying, I always feel like a looser after I do that. MAN! I just remembered I have an appointment with the vagina doctor...in like an HOUR. I might have to take this IUD out I think it's making me more hormonal and nuts than when I was pregnant. I'm sure I can do this I can I can I can............?

Show your teeth

TWO teeth.I put my finger in his mouth 3 days a go and I could feel what I thought was 1 tooth about to pop up but I put my finger in there yesterday and 2!! two little white sharp baby teeth they've already popped out of the gum area but are still rising and let me tell you i've been pulling my hair out over here. The cries are so sad(loud). There is not much I can do, I put on his finger "toothbrush" and let his gnaw may finger off for a while but it still hurts him poor guy =( My baby has teeth!

Sonny Bunny

Easter? Eggs? Bunnies? What does this have to do with Jesus. I have no idea I don't want to hear the story. I was raised a Jehovah's witness I always questioned the religion and now as an adult I don't have a formal religion. The spermanator is an atheist eh more like agnostic he believes in science not God. I however do believe in Jesus and God and that there is someone/thing watching after us. I have my reasons. So needles to say NO I did not dress Sonny up as a bunny we did not go hunt or dye eggs because I don't get it. Maybe one day I will give in to this silly tradition but not now. Today was beautiful because I did not have to work thank you Jesus!


It is the first Sunday I've spent with my baby since I went back to work. I cleaned our tiny corner of the house that belongs to us and went for a run in the new jogging stroller around the lake. I sang him twinkle twinkle while I played on our small out of tune piano and we took some glam shots. Of course there is a God how else could something so freakin Gorgeous come out of me????

Back in the day.

Not to long ago I was smokin' although I did not always think this, I was. You see I was a major chubster until I was 16 and I decided to lose weight. Even after I had lost 40 pounds I still gave myself a hard time about how much I weighed, I was obsessed you could say. Always watching cals, working out an extra hour if I "cheated" on my diet. And I always knew that having a baby would ruin the physique I tried so hard to maintain. Sadly when people would ask my boyfriend of 3 years and I "so when are you two going to have a baby" I would always respond quickly "never!" It wasn't that I hated babies it just that as shallow as it may seem I knew it would take some extreme amount of working out to get back in shape.
So here I'm my baby is 6 months and I'm still a PLANET it shouldn't matter but it DOES. The discouraging thing is it's not that I can't do it ( I ran 3 miles yesterday) it's that I don't consistently exercise and I often emotionally eat. Going to school when you have a newborn maybe wasn't such a good idea either. I'm still trying I haven't lost a pound since the initial birth weight loss but let me tell you If I ever stop looking like this












I will, believe me write a book about it!

Happy 1/2 Birthday!

Today is your half birthday you are officially 6 months old. You have already tasted carrots, avocados(not your fav) and bananas (you love them!) We set up your high chair today. ah I told you to stop growing!! You are so smart lil boy you already give high fives yes at 6 months high fives, ask anyone. You got a jumper that your G-PA purchased it's your FAVORITE, I've never seen you happier. You keep on rolling over and it's scaring the poop outta me seriously, I know you want to crawl but you have to keep your head up when you try, please? I love you forver and ever I'm trying to get us into a new apartment so you'll have more room to grow and crawl and walk and run and play, I wish I had more money so I can give you everything you need, I'll make up for it with love I swear you will still have it all. Love you big boy. Happy half Birthday Love.